Gee, this is big on selfish people, eh? Impatient clergy, snappy bride, father with lousy timing!
If I could offer two suggestions … maybe try to come up with a different way to identify the wedding party or group in the second paragraph. You used the same term only a few sentences prior. Or perhaps just the bride is struggling to make a few last minute adjustments?
“It knocks the wind out of her.” What does? Oh yes … the question in the paragraph above. Well, I think I would have put it like this: “The one question she wished her father had avoided knocks the wind out of her.” Or, I would have connected the first sentence to the second with a comma. Why? Well, “It’ isn’t very powerful. Certainly not powerful enough to knock the wind out of anyone. I think you need to link the question with the response.
Listen, everybody, look, I don’t know what you’re waiting for,
a wedding, what’s a wedding, it’s a prehistoric ritual
where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is
maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is
followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he’ll realize he’s
saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should–
Thanks a bunch,
But I’m not getting married–
Go have lunch,
‘Cause I’m not getting married–
You’ve been grand,
But I’m not getting married–
Don’t just stand there,
I’m not getting married–
And don’t tell Paul,
But I’m not getting married today.
Stephen Sondheim
From The Musical “Company”
Great imagery and desperation, the way you mount the tension in the church description, then the pastor. And then something as trivial as spit curls, or whatever you call them send her off. Very believable, and the end, again returns to imagery and metaphor that is powerfully drawn. Nice short fiction with so much going on.
Robert, you do have a way of making my stomach flip. I remember being asked the very same question at my wedding. If i had thought he was serious I would have been out of there in a heart beat. It helps to be in love with your best man!
I disagree with Rontuaru. I think that question would knock the wind out of someone if in fact they had serious doubts about the committment. You are able to fool yourself and remain in denial until someone actually calls you on it. Then you’re like, “F%&k! What in the hell am I doing? This may be my last chance to get out!”
Gee, this is big on selfish people, eh? Impatient clergy, snappy bride, father with lousy timing!
If I could offer two suggestions … maybe try to come up with a different way to identify the wedding party or group in the second paragraph. You used the same term only a few sentences prior. Or perhaps just the bride is struggling to make a few last minute adjustments?
“It knocks the wind out of her.” What does? Oh yes … the question in the paragraph above. Well, I think I would have put it like this: “The one question she wished her father had avoided knocks the wind out of her.” Or, I would have connected the first sentence to the second with a comma. Why? Well, “It’ isn’t very powerful. Certainly not powerful enough to knock the wind out of anyone. I think you need to link the question with the response.
Scary
Listen, everybody, look, I don’t know what you’re waiting for,
a wedding, what’s a wedding, it’s a prehistoric ritual
where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is
maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is
followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he’ll realize he’s
saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should–
Thanks a bunch,
But I’m not getting married–
Go have lunch,
‘Cause I’m not getting married–
You’ve been grand,
But I’m not getting married–
Don’t just stand there,
I’m not getting married–
And don’t tell Paul,
But I’m not getting married today.
Stephen Sondheim
From The Musical “Company”
Great imagery and desperation, the way you mount the tension in the church description, then the pastor. And then something as trivial as spit curls, or whatever you call them send her off. Very believable, and the end, again returns to imagery and metaphor that is powerfully drawn. Nice short fiction with so much going on.
Robert, you do have a way of making my stomach flip. I remember being asked the very same question at my wedding. If i had thought he was serious I would have been out of there in a heart beat. It helps to be in love with your best man!
I disagree with Rontuaru. I think that question would knock the wind out of someone if in fact they had serious doubts about the committment. You are able to fool yourself and remain in denial until someone actually calls you on it. Then you’re like, “F%&k! What in the hell am I doing? This may be my last chance to get out!”
are you kidding me?? I love this.. and Tom..