Writer, Publisher, Educator
Oh yeah … I really like this! I do want to know how old the kid is though. Not specifically, just in general. A couple of reasons why: young kids usually don’t get swollen feet … hot, stinky and sweaty, but seldom swollen. Second, I don’t think he’d say “I’m sorry” when startled by the woman’s revelation, especially if he wasn’t really listening in the first place. A kid who steals a map from a library and smokes Camel’s doesn’t strike me as being that socially or conversationally astute. I think I’d see him saying, “Huh?”
I can almost feel the oppressive heat and smell the stale air of the bus as the miles fly by. I like the recollection about Brad! The reference about Brad’s cat and/or sister needs a little cleaning up IMO. (He poisoned the cat, or his sister, who was in the hospital …)But I like how the reminiscence about Brad temporarily distracts the reader from the woman’s commentary, just as it does the boy in the story.
Very nice work!
I wish you this book.
Loved this story and it reminded me of a bus trip I took once between South Carolina and New York City in my younger days. Ugh! You capture the essence of two strangers on public transportation very nicely. One minor suggestion- she ‘studied the map’ twice in sucessive paragraphs. And I like what Rontuaru says in that feedback also. Again, thanks for the daily treat!
Yo-yo’s? Camels? Huh? What kid today carries a yo-yo around in his pocket and smokes Camels? Popular with today’s teens are iPods and Marlboros and satellite devices (rather than paper maps from a library. Library? This kid goes to a library to steal? C’mon now. I need a writer who’s done his homework on what today’s kids are really like). Interesting detail that the narrator has halitosis and for added realism might also pick a few ripe zits and wipe that mess on the shredded upholestry. Alice is a sideshow and for me, her story overpowers the narrator’s. Why is that? Good simile about Alice compares her to a bird with a broken neck, but I really don’t care about Alice. Add an oil derrick to the scenery so the reader really knows it’s Texas.
Tutu Ubuntu…I have no clue who you are, and although I appreciate your comments, I think you are being too critical of my writing. If your comments were in a nicer style, I will keep them on my blog. Otherwise, I will delete them from now on. Thanks again, but I am the author and I rely on sweeter comments.
Tutu: The story never says it’s written about the present. I pictured it taking place somewhere in the late 60’s or early 70’s, when yo-yos, Camels and libraries were commonplace, a bus was a typical means of cross-country transportation and parents actually allowed children under the age of 16 to travel alone. God forbid! Apparently you can’t remember that far back, but I can. In fact, I did a bus trip almost exactly like this in 1971 and like Shari, this story nails that era square on the head.
I don’t think you “need a writer,” you just want someone … anyone to nit-pick. Constructive criticism is one thing, but for crying out loud, keep your acerbic comments to yourself.
Way to go, Rontu! I completely agree with rgv7735 here and Rontu. Tutu…If you want to write your own stories, go right ahead! But to make such negative comments and expect that someone is going to hear them the way you are saying them? Well, that is crazy. I don’t expect that the author would ever want to hear from you again.
I see myself in this…
a dark reflection into a parallel life.
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