strong verb: “trounce”
“complex voyage story”: quite intriguing, much more so than the Today Show episode
unclear: “women lay [sic: lie] adjacent to a corpse. Is it true that the widows are lying next to a corpse during the Today Show interview?
What does the protagonist mean by “Gone before dawn?” Is the reader meant to infer that his dream voyage is gone? Or, that his wife is gone under the blanket? Or, that the garbage truck is gone down the street? If this quick-write is meant to come full circle, then the power of the protagonist’s experience could be intensified in the denouement.
good simile: “like a field of freshly cut wheat” Consider substituting a more vivid adverb, such as “scythed.”
Characterization and pronoun references in paragraphs 2 & 3 are too vague for me. To whom does the narrator refer as “they” and to whom are “they” greeting as “sleepyhead”: the man or the woman?
Comma needs to precede dialogue tag in sentence 9: They say[,] “Good….”
Could the narrator be given more omniscience?
Nice start!
I think I smell like corn.
Corn, wheat, oats, barley. It’s all good. Thanks for reading, Ian.
strong verb: “trounce”
“complex voyage story”: quite intriguing, much more so than the Today Show episode
unclear: “women lay [sic: lie] adjacent to a corpse. Is it true that the widows are lying next to a corpse during the Today Show interview?
What does the protagonist mean by “Gone before dawn?” Is the reader meant to infer that his dream voyage is gone? Or, that his wife is gone under the blanket? Or, that the garbage truck is gone down the street? If this quick-write is meant to come full circle, then the power of the protagonist’s experience could be intensified in the denouement.
good simile: “like a field of freshly cut wheat” Consider substituting a more vivid adverb, such as “scythed.”
Characterization and pronoun references in paragraphs 2 & 3 are too vague for me. To whom does the narrator refer as “they” and to whom are “they” greeting as “sleepyhead”: the man or the woman?
Comma needs to precede dialogue tag in sentence 9: They say[,] “Good….”
Could the narrator be given more omniscience?
Nice start!